The Never Weres

Everyone is making a QB rankings list. I didn’t want us to be left out. What would that make us? A rinky-dink operation, that’s what. So I decided to read a couple of things and see where everyone stands on quarterbacks. But then put my own blend of herbs and spices on it, i.e., what I think. I don’t know why I said it that weird way.

Usually, there are smart football people involved, and they put interesting findings into this paragraph. So my interesting finding is that two-thirds of the quarterbacks are either meh or not good. Like, there are not a lot of good QBs. It’s wild. Also, Pat Mahomes is so in the Brady zone right now. He should easily be at the top of every list, but people are bored with greatness, and he isn’t. His stats weren’t impressive, he isn’t a fantasy QB, and his team went 15-2 and made the Super Bowl. 

I based my list on if the league was reset and everyone got to pick their teams again, how I think the QBs should be picked. I did not consult my brothers on this because I am a true takesmith, plus they both have noodle arms and no field awareness. They never even recognize little things during a game like I do. I always have to remind them that it is a pleasure for them to watch a game with me.

This list is in reverse order. I don’t get lists that put the number 1 spot at the top. The Browns are unranked because yuck. The Titans will most likely be starting Cam Ward, who hasn’t played a down. Unfair to just throw him at 32 when he easily could be better than some of the guys at the end of this list in week 1. If Will Levis plays, then the Titans’ rank is 32. Also, JJ McCarthy won’t be ranked. The Vikings were really good last year and moved on from Sam Darnold because they believe in McCarthy, but ranking him didn’t make sense. OK, now for the good stuff.

30. Whoever the Browns play – This could be Kenny Pickett, or this could be Joe Flacco. Neither of those options is good. We all know that Shedeur Sanders will be in there at some point, but for now, these options are bleak. There is a saying about Karma that could apply here.

29. Spencer Rattler – He is now the starter in New Orleans after the retirement by Derek Carr. Last year, when Rattler was the starter, the Saints went 0-6. He averaged 188 yards per game. His EPA/play (expected points added) was -.219; only Deshaun Watson was worse. 

28. Russell Wilson – I don’t need no stats here. He hasn’t been good for a while. He can’t see the middle of the field. He is a weird dude. He is on his third team in three years. Pete Carroll, Sean Payton, and Mike Tomlin were all fine moving on from him. I’m sure things will go great with Giants fans. The most important thing I need to know is how he is signing off his press conferences/interviews?

27. Justin Fields – Weirdly, a good fit for Fields, who I think the Steelers shouldn’t have moved on from last year. The Jets *should* have a good defense. They *should* have better coaching. They will want to win games 13-9. Fields could keep them close and have their defense win them some games, but it’s the Jets and the Jets are going to Jet.

26. Daniel Jones – The first draft of this had the Colts as incomplete basically. They are a little better in the final draft because they picked a guy. We all know what we are getting from Danny Dimes, and no one is excited to see it.

25. Michael Pennix – This ranking changes BIG TIME if they put Kirk Cousins out there. The team had juice when they finally made the change from Cousins to Pennix. Falcons fans must still be livid at the 8-9 finish when 14 games were started by Cousins. The main difference is that Pennix can move. I don’t mean like he’s younger and shiftier. He can literally move side-to-side. Kirk Cousins is a statue.

24. Bryce Young – Young got benched last season. He only came back because Andy Dalton got in a car accident. But when he came back, he was a different guy. In the 10 games after his hiatus, he had a 61.8 completion percentage, averaged 210 yards per game, had 15 touchdowns to 6 interceptions, and rushed for 5 more touchdowns. The Panthers went 4-6, but compared to their 1-6 start, it must have been like watching the ’07 Patriots for Panthers fans.

23. Aaron Rodgers – I don’t want to waste time here on this circus. He’s going to say some stuff. He’s going to be smug. He is going to be passive-aggressive. The Steelers will probably continue their streak of mediocrity. Yay, 9 wins!

22. Tua Tagovailoa – This ranking could be way too high at the end of the year. Miami looks like a team that could really blow up. They are no longer a fun team; people are scared of. They don’t win unless they can hit Tyreek Hill with an explosive play at least once. When Tua faces a good defense and is pressured, he’s toast. There is also the concussion cloud hanging over Miami.

21. Caleb Williams – Williams is tough to judge. The Bears were a mess last year. They had a midseason coaching change. Their offensive line was atrocious. He was sacked 68 times! Yet he threw 20 TDs to only 6 interceptions. But his EPA/play was -.026 (not good). He will benefit from the hiring of Ben Johnson as the head coach and play caller.

20. Drake Maye – Here it is. The homer pick. Why have him ahead of Williams? Because I can. He started 12 games. The Patriots went 3-9. He had 10 INT and 9(!) fumbles. I see all this and say I don’t care. There may not have been a less impressive roster in all of the NFL last season than the Patriots. I don’t need any stats to tell me what offensive line ranked where; New England’s was the worst. Receivers couldn’t get open. The coaching staff didn’t game plan. This was the worst-coached team with the worst roster in the league. They were so bad that they blew their chance at the number 1 overall pick by winning in week 18. So this ranking is based on the fact that it can’t get worse.

19. Bo Nix – I grouped the non-Jaylen Williams 2024 rookies on purpose. Nix was the best of this group. He led his team to the playoffs. The Broncos seem like the sexy pick this season to make some noise. That is based on an awesome defense and continued growth from Nix. The rookie class from last season has the potential to be special, especially if one of the guys from this group can make a leap.

18. Trevor Lawrence – I don’t see it with Lawrence. This ranking could definitely be lower. The spot shows how weak the bottom of the league is. That’s all I have to say about this matter.

17. Kyler Murray – Another guy that I don’t see as a guy that is ever going to lead his team to a deep playoff run. In October, he may look good, but his team has never sustained that momentum. I wonder what his K/D Ratio is in COD.

16. Sam Darnold – The last two weeks of the season set him back again. His career year was just forgotten. I listen to a great baseball podcast called ‘Rates and Barrels’, in the podcast, they call average guys oatmeal. Sam Darnold is the oatmealliest of oatmeal players.

15. Geno Smith – Geno revitalized his career in Seattle. Although when you look at it, he didn’t win that much. He went 28-24 as a starter there. Didn’t make the playoffs last year. He seems like a good dude, and his teammates like him. He is in a clump of players here that are just fine.

14. Dak Prescott – The Cowboys are always the butt of the joke. It is actually insane that they haven’t won a Super Bowl in 30 years. All that said, they are a good team when Dak plays. It may not result in playoff wins, but on a week-to-week basis, he puts up numbers, and they are good when he is out there. Also, watch the Netflix documentary on the ’90s Cowboys, it’s really good.

13. Brock Purdy – What a decisive guy Purdy is. Personally, I am a Purdy guy. When every single one of his skill position guys isn’t hurt, he runs a very efficient and effective offense. Now he is here at 13 because he needs all those guys around him to help. He is not quite at the elevate other players level.

12. Baker Mayfield – Cleveland Baker annoyed me. I thought he was trying too hard in press conferences. I don’t really care about who is in what commercial, but he was in A LOT of them. He was also young and doubted. Now, Baker has juice. I wish the Patriots had signed him the year they drafted Mac Jones. He wins games. Why Cleveland moved on from him doesn’t make sense. You could talk me into him being in the top 10, and I might agree with you.

11. Jordan Love – Baker has accomplished more and, at this immediate moment, might be slightly better. I put Love ahead of him because this could be a big year for Love. Love missed two games last year, Jaire Alexander missed most of the season, AJ Dillon missed all of it, and they still won 11 games. I like Love, and I love the idea of him and Lafluer having success after Aaron Rodgers was how he is.

10. Jared Goff – Now here’s a guy (©Chris Collinsworth) that could easily fall multiple spots. He does not have Sean McVay or Ben Johnson. What he does have is awesome skill position players around him. This will be a big year for Goff to prove that he can do it without an offensive genius behind him.

9. CJ Stroud – Maybe last year was only a sophomore slump. Maybe it was because one of his favorite targets got shot before the season and then blew out his knee. Or it was because his best receiver missed a bunch of time in the middle of the season. Or that his offensive line was bad. I trust that Stroud will recover and be more like his rookie self this year.

8. Justin Herbert – Herbert is hard to figure out. Super nerdy analytical football guys love him. You watch him throw, and you think he may throw the best ball in the league, and yet, he doesn’t win a lot and doesn’t lead the league in counting stats ever. He looked terrible in the Chargers’ playoff game last year. In real-time typing this I moved him down a spot.

7. Jaylen Hurts – All he has done is win a Super Bowl and play in another, and yet people continue to sleep on him. He may not be the Joe Burrow-type, where he throws for 4,500 yards. His running may not dazzle like Lamar Jackson’s. One thing he does is win. Not to mention, he runs a play so deadly that the other teams tried to outlaw it in the offseason. I don’t get why Hurts has haters, really.

6. Jayden Daniels – The rest of the 2024 rookies are grouped together. Daniels is a different animal. This is the most exciting young QB in the game right now. It will be tough for him and the Commanders to repeat what they did last year but I think everyone would take him over the rest of his class. Regression may come this year and health will always be a worry but dang is he exciting to watch.

5. Matthew Stafford – This is a kind of a career recognition spot. His back is junk, and who knows how much he will play this year. If he does play and is healthy, the Rams will be one of the top teams in the NFC. If he doesn’t, they will rely on Jimmy G, and that will dock them 2-3 wins.

4. Joe Burrow – Mike Sando from the Athletic does the definitive QB rankings. In that article, this year, Burrow was at the top with Patrick Mahomes. I think he is in the class with the next three guys. This spot is based on his team being dumb and him not always being healthy.

3. Lamar Jackson – Lamar could have won his third MVP last year. His passing got better, he got more efficient, and like always, when he plays the whole season, the Ravens are awesome. The real shame was that the Ravens and Bills played in the Divisional Round. That would have been such a good Conference championship.

2. Josh Allen – Speaking of the Bills…Allen easily and probably should have been the top spot. He is the reigning MVP and is a guy who when he is on your team, you are probably going to win 11 or more games. This very well could be the year the Bills get over the hump. I don’t care who is around him; I trust that Allen will be awesome and his team will win games.

1. Patrick Mahomes – This is the spot he deserves until it is taken from him. He played in the Super Bowl, they got their asses handed to them on a platter, but he was there again. I started by saying the exercise was about a re-draft of the entire league, who is the first guy taken, and I think that at least 29 teams would pick Mahomes. If you gave truth serum to the Ravens, Bills, and Bengals, they would probably pick him, too.